I did a bad thing today. I sent a very harsh email to my parents. We've been fighting on and off for the past few weeks (what's new) but instead of overdramatic emotional nonsense, I said something really hurtful this time. While I was writing it I was convinced that I hated them...I don't know if it was just an emotional rampage or if it stems from something deep down that hasn't fully materialized yet. Point is, I really hurt their feelings. If I thought I felt like shit before this is nothing compared to that. It's the absence of a reply that's nagging at me. Silence does, in fact, speak louder than words, and I have not yet talked to either of my parents since I sent that malicious email riddled with insults. I'm too scared to call right now.
Knowing that you've hurt someone is one of the worst possible feelings in the world. It's a completely different type of sadness. I can think of days when I thought I was at my lowest point, but the knowledge of what I've done recently weighs on my conscience and drags me down to a pit of complete anguish. I feel like someone has strapped some sort of heavy burden inside my chest. It feels heavy and cold and numb.
I don't know what I'm going to do next. I have no idea what's going on on their end. They could be talking about me right now. The point is that I'm too weak to reach out to them first, but I don't want a wall of anger to form between us right before we're all lumped together for the holidays. So now I wait.
"She appears composed, so she is, I suppose. Who can really tell? She shows no emotion at all. Stares into space like a dead china doll. I'm never gonna know you now but I'm gonna love you anyhow. I'm here today and expected to stay on and on and on. But I'm tired. Looking out on the substitute scene still going strong. XO, Mom. It's okay, it's alright, nothing's wrong."